Babylon Bee (Satire)

American Academy Of Pediatrics Now Recommending Puberty Blockers To Treat Strep Throat

ITASCA, IL — The American Academy of Pediatrics has announced new recommendations for treating childhood strep throat using puberty blockers. According to sources, the new guidelines came after repeated requests from Pfizer, Planned Parenthood, and a small mob of blue-haired people outside threatening to burn down their Illinois headquarters.

Posted on 7 February 2023 | 4:42 pm

Man With Daughters Dons Full Hazmat Suit Before Cleaning Shower Drain

LINCOLN, NE — J.D. Beutler, local patent lawyer and father of daughters, was seen returning home from Battalion Bazaar Army Surplus with a full hazmat suit, a titanium-lined drain auger, and an unwavering gleam in his eye as he prepared to clean the shower drain.

Posted on 7 February 2023 | 4:09 pm

Lauren Boebert Decides She Won't Go To Heaven After Hearing There Are No Guns There

PUEBLO, CO — In a stunning reversal, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado has reportedly decided not to spend eternity in Heaven after finding out there won't be firearms there. The lawmaker made her choice following a disappointing conversation with her pastor.

Posted on 7 February 2023 | 1:32 pm

Tonight’s State Of The Union To Be Sponsored By Pfizer

WASHINGTON, DC — In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight's State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.

Posted on 7 February 2023 | 12:03 pm

Ladies, Here's What's Going Through Your Man's Head Right Now: 17 Things He's Thinking

Hey ladies, have you ever just stared at your man and wondered what he was thinking? Relax! Your man isn't thinking about other women. We assembled a panel of man experts (who are men) and they've compiled a definitive list of things your man is currently pondering.

Posted on 6 February 2023 | 6:30 pm

Marie Kondo Launches New Parenting Show 'Aiden For The Love Of All That Is Holy Stop Hitting Your Sister With That Frying Pan'

U.S. — The Japanese "Queen of Tidy" Marie Kondo has announced a brand new Netflix series following the birth of her third child. Whereas her previous show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, focused on a minimalist lifestyle by ridding the home of things that no longer "spark joy," her new show will focus on her new life with children and is entitled Aiden For The Love Of All That Is Holy Stop Hitting Your Sister With That Frying Pan.

Posted on 6 February 2023 | 6:10 pm

Biden Spending All Night In Bacta Tank In Preparation For State Of The Union

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.

Posted on 6 February 2023 | 5:16 pm

Mom Embarrasses Teen Son By Existing In Public

WATERTOWN, SD — A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.

Posted on 6 February 2023 | 3:08 pm

Horrified Satan Distances Self From Grammys

LOS ANGELES, CA — In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."

Posted on 6 February 2023 | 11:21 am

Man Narrowly Escapes Peace Of Mind With Well-Timed Twitter Visit

LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.

Posted on 6 February 2023 | 10:58 am